Hatefest 2009

Many philosophers have attempted to explain the human race’s love affair with sports. Is it the competition? The team atmosphere? The feeling of community?

But alas, the answer is simple: HATE.

There is nothing better than that feeling of completely and utterly crushing your opponent into the mud… except when that opponent happens to be a hated rival.

As put best by Will Blythe (author of a Duke-UNC rivalry book), “To hate like this is to be happy forever.”

We all hate. We hate so many teams (our list came out to 23) for so many different reasons. Some are obvious (UVA). Some a little more nuanced (JMU). Some are because of the fans (WVU, Maryland, Pitt…trails off). Some are because of the uppity-ness of the school (Duke). Some are because of their success (USC). Hell, some are because of the band (JMU, again). And some are because of the “memories” they left us with (Radford).

But whatever the reason, the hate feels good. And in the doldrums of summer, we see no reason not to indulge ourselves in a little 8-week hate fest.

Yes, we only have 8 weeks to go (give or take a few days) until kickoff. Each week we will present you with a new category and group of schools:

Week 1: Mid-Majors or Less
Yes, we can hate on the little guys: ECU, Temple, JMU

Week 2: Big Names We Never Play
Some because of jealousy; some are because Charlie Weis is fat: Ohio State, Michigan, Notre Dame

Week 3: Big Names We’ve Sometimes Played
Lately, the results have not been pretty: USC, Auburn, LSU

Week 4: Big East Teams
The only way we could hate them more is if we had alimony payments: WVU, Pitt, Syracuse

Week 5: ACC Coastal
One day, we’ll think about letting them win an ACC title: UNC, Georgia Tech, Duke

Week 6: ACC Atlantic
One day, we’ll think about letting them win an ACC title: BC, Maryland, NC State, Clemson

Week 7: Teams from America’s Wang
We hated these teams long before a few were in our conference: Miami, Florida, Florida State

Week 8: UVA
UVA

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But we can’t do this alone. Please feel free to email us any stories you may have that have led to your bitter hatred of any team.

Don’t worry if your hated school isn’t on the list. Did a girlfriend leave you for a douche from Colorado? We want it. Are you our Carnegie Mellon Super Scientific Football Analyst and hate Greensburg Technical School for the Blind? Send in your seething description of why. Heck, if you really really hate Syracuse, we’ll let you guest blog.

So get your entries in. Hatefest 2009 starts on Monday.

Note the tags on this post. All but "Hatefest 2009" has been used at some point in our humble site's young career.

Thoughts on the All-Star roster

After looking through the just-released All-Star roster for the ASG on July 14th, I have some thoughts, gripes, cheers, and overall comments on how the selection turned out.

1. Albert Pujols may be the most under-appreciated player in the history of sports. Now Let me clarify this bold statement. He is under-appreciated by the media outlets. The fans have selected him as the player to whom deserves the most votes overall. This makes sense. But the fact that he lives in relative obscurity compared to some other players who haven't even come close to what he has, is ridiculous. You have the A-Rods, the Hanley Ramirezes, the Kevin Youkilises, the David Wrights. All of them are great players, but not as good as Pujols. A-Rod and Albert may be very close when it all comes to a head, but Pujols is a consistent, non-attentionwhore who I have repeatedly made the mistake of not drafting on my fantasy team two years now, for reasons that are beyond me. I always forget about how good he is at the beginning of the season and look for the flashy star who gets talked about and hyped up but ends up putting similar or worse numbers than Pujols when all is said and done. Ok, so I guess that is the reason I never draft him, but still, bottomline, Pujols is extremely under-appreciated.

2. Derek Jeter is a good player. Great leadership, good glove (though his range is suspect), and solid bat. But seriously, is he really the best player in the AL? How does he garner the most votes of any player in the AL? He's not doing particularly well (by his standards) this year and his range (what of it there was) has dimished greatly over the years. So much so that a lot of sportstalk radio (taken with a grain of salt, but they do have a point) has been saying that he may switch to third in the next couple of years. I'm not saying he shouldn't be in the game or anything, just that he shouldn't be getting the most votes overall for the entire league. If no one else, Joe Mauer deserves that title. He is fucking tearing shit up.

3. Josh Hamilton is a starting outfielder. Don't get me wrong, he crushed it in the HR derby last year and he seems like a genuinely nice guy. But he just got off the DL Sunday, and prior to that he had been hitting .240 with 6 home runs. That's how many Ichiro has hit thus far. This guy is supposed to be a power hitter and he is hitting as many dingers as ICHIRO. Shit, Big Papi didn't get a homerun for his first 128 at bats and even HE has hit more home runs than Hamilton this season. I just don't see what warrants this guy getting a starting spot on the AL team. Period.

4. Finally! Finally! Finally! Timmay gets his rightful recognition as an All-Star pitcher. The guy is like 88 years old and has been on the Red Sox for the majority of his adult life, won two WS with them and is still fucking with batter's sight when he throws the knuckler. He's got 10 wins so far, which even you can do the math, averages out to 20 wins on the season. He's done well before, but never has the starting pitching in the AL been so pisspoor that he was able to get his recognition. Well today is your day. Drink one for the NEZ, Mr. Wakefield.

If you have any points you would like to add, we would love to see them in the comment section, and if you disagree with any of these points, well I couldn't care less. You're entitled to your opinion, even if it couldn't be any more wrong. But go ahead and post it, we all like to laugh.

Oh and as a side note, it's going to be interesting to see who the Pirates have to send to the ASG next year after they scuttle Freddy Sanchez and Jack Wilson soon. It's pretty much a lock to be one of the LaRoche brothers, which will be hilarious.

Weekend recap

I will be taking a break from posting here (including the weekend recap) for about two weeks after Wednesday because I will be traveling to Maryland to go get myself married off to a wonderful, albeit unsuspecting, girl. Then I will be living it up in St. Lucia for a week. So you suckers can enjoy the infrequent posts about how great Ben Rothlinstein is going to be this year from CGally. Anyways, on to the recap!

1. Roger Federer won the Wimbledon on Sunday to take home his 15th (and historically most) grand slam title. Also of note is that the last set was the longest in history lasting 1 hour and 35 minutes. The set consisted of 30 total points, breaking the record of 20 points.

2. Steve McNair was fatally shot and killed in Nashville. Not that I'm taking bets or anything, but given the evidence and the non-information from the police, I'm banking on the fact that this was a murder-suicide. Terrible news.

3. The MLB All-Star rosters were announced. Some surprises, some not surprises. More to come later.

4. Joey Chestnut pwned the Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest this year eating a gut-busting, toilet-dominating (and record-breaking) 68 hot dogs. That's just fucking gross. Kinda makes me hungry though. Kobayashi ate only 64.5 HDBs (hot dogs and buns) to come in second. Third place finisher (who doesn't deserve a name) came in at 55 HDBs. In case you were wondering, yes they do take bets for this shit, and the over was 62.5, which he easily beat.

5. ManRam came back from the restricted list (for taking female fertility drugs) and did not play. His legs were tired, so he rested. Because nothing calls for a day off more than just finishing 50 of them. Oh LA, you are a shitshow.

6. The Tour de France is going on, but America is back to where it normally stands and doesn't care. Cry for me cyclers. Your sport is once again under-appreciated. Boo. Hoo. If you want some acknowledgement, go eat a shit ton of hot dogs. Then, as a country, we will care.

THIS JUST IN: Offense has room to improve

Now that July has started, we can expect the number of season previews to start rolling any minu… why looky here! ESPN has already started. (Its ESPN Insider, fyi. We’re sure someone you know has it and will give you a password if you ask nicely.)

But here’s pretty much the rundown:

1. Our offense has sucked (derrrrrrr)

And boy, did it suck. It was some of the worst suck to ever suck.

“How bad was it? Well, eight of 120 Division I teams (including the three run-heavy academies) had worse passing games. The offensive line didn't helped much either. Over the past two seasons, Tech has given up a Division 1 FBS-high 97 sacks.”

But fear not!! Captain Draw Play is here to rescue us!

“We're just so much further along," says Stinespring. "When we came into spring we knew we had to seize the opportunity to get better, but the idea wasn't to be a year older, but a year better."

Wanna know how we get a year better? Send Stiney to Malawi for 365 days and let the guy who played Minkus on Boy Meets World run the offense.

2. Tyrod will need to be better

Well, more-knowledgeable would be a better description.

“The bigger issue, coaches note, is how last season, they didn't know if their players could diagnose the game well enough to improve. The stats bear it out. As defenses adjusted, Taylor struggled. Each quarter he got worse.”

Yes, it’s totally Tyrod’s fault that the coaching staff has NEVER made a halftime adjustment.

3. Despite all the craptitude on offense last season, even a slight improvement would turn into a scary thing.

“And here's the thing: if the Tech offense does improve by what could easily be ten points a game on offense in 2009, it'll just be widening the margins.”

Oh yeah, we still won the Orange Bowl. Suck it.

But that was mainly due to #4…

4. Defense is still pimp as ever

This just goes without saying. The article does make a good point about our special teams last year. Our opponents’ average starting field position (own 36 yard-line) was good enough for 10th in the nation.

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The final quote may sum up the season perfectly, however:

“As they enter fall, Stinespring, Beamer and the Hokies know that if the offense is the strength it should be, this team has the chance to be special. Last year this team was 10-4. They got nominated for an Oscar and were holding the script upside down. Imagine if they can figure it out this year.”

So get pumped, people. Remember that season where our offense was supposed to improve over the prior season? Well it’s coming up again for the 8th year in a row.

Watch out Pirates fans, here they come!

PITTSBURGH -- The Pittsburgh Pirates may soon find out if an investment of $20,000 can produce a couple of million-dollar arms. Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, their two India-born pitchers who had never seen a baseball game before being the top two finishers in a TV reality show designed to find potential major league arms, are nearly ready to make their professional debuts. Neither had picked up a baseball, much less thrown one, until little more than a year ago. Aspiring cricket players, they had no idea that American athletes could make so much money playing a sport they knew nothing about. Now, after a busy year crowded with TV show appearances, basic baseball instruction, fitness workouts, constant throwing and adjusting to a pro athlete's life in a new country, they are about to take the mound for the Bradenton Pirates of the rookie-level Gulf Coast League. "It's going to be fun," Pirates general manager Neal Huntington said. Pirates director of player development Kyle Stark said Tuesday the two pitchers are likely to see game action this week.

Getcha popcorn ready because here come the Indian cricket masters. I see why the Pirates are making so many trades these days. They need to make room on their 40-man roster to fit these studs into the rotation. I'll bet $50 bucks that if these guys make it to the majors, their jerseys will be the highest selling numbers in Pirates history. Hell, I would buy a #18 Singh jersey.

What the hell...

I go to bed at the end of the sixth inning after a rain delay, with the Sox up 9-1 against the Orioles. I wake up to a text message telling me the end of the game stats to find out the Orioles came back and won the game 11-10. What. The. Fuck.

Apparently this is the biggest comeback in Orioles team history, so congrats douchebags, you still suck. I just can't believe Boston sucked this hard at the end of the game. Did they think they had this thing in the bag after 6 innings? What happened to the bats for the last three innings that they could only scare up one run? I mean it's not like they hadn't been hitting all night. I don't know what the hell is going on but I'm starting to feel bad for John Smoltz. Guy can't catch a break lately.

Well hold this one near and dear Baltimore, because you ain't getting a win out of us again this year. You made the mistake of showing your hand too early, and now Boston is going to play all the games against you the whole way through. I wouldn't be shocked if you had a bigger beatdown than back in August of 2007 against the Rangers. Here is the boxscore of that game in case you forgot. Don't come crying to me when the Red Sox win 45-2 sometime soon. You asked for it.

	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	R	H	E
TEX (55-70)	0	0	0	5	0	9	0	10	6	30	29	1
BAL (58-66)	1	0	2	0	0	0	0	0	0	3	9	1

Editor's note: Doesn't Baltimore realize they are only there to lose games and give infield practice to teams? What do they think they're doing winning games?

Weekend recap

Alright, so here's the deal. I wasn't at work on Friday and didn't get to watch any sports happenings this weekend. I was in Maine getting my whitewater rafting on for my bachelor party. So this week, instead of a weekend recap of sports, I will be doing a weekend recap of my weekend. Enjoy. And yes, this is quite narcissistic. Deal with it.

1. The drive to Maine is effing looooong when you leave from NY. 7 hours. To put it in perspective, we were north of the Canada-Vermont-NH line. We were still in the US, but far up there. I think they said something like we were 10 miles from Quebec. Anyways, it was a long drive. And there was nothing up there in The Forks, ME. Just whitewater rafting companies. Oh, and black flies. If those things served a purpose to the human race, the state of Maine would be swimming in cash.

2. CGally was invited to join, but he pussed out and didn't end up coming. Most likely because he couldn't handle the drinking. More to come in the comment section.

3. The water on the Kennebec was cooooooooold. They told us it was about 60 degrees, but I call shenanigans and I'm going with something more like 34 degrees. We didn't have anyone fall off the boat, because we're real men, and only went in the water to go swimming down what they call "swimmer's rapids". We promptly got out when it got hard to breathe, our arms stopped working, and I developed another belly button.

4. If I had to sum up the trip in one word, that word would be: dizzybat. I have several bruises, cuts, aches, and pains from what happened via the dizzybat. For those of you who don't know what it is, you take a wiffle ball bat, open up a hole in the butt, and one about a quarter-way from the top and, while holding a finger over the hole near the top, fill the bat up with your favorite beverage. Then you drink out from the butt of the bat, letting go of the hole, so you end up shotgunning the drink. Then when you're done, you put your forehead on the bat, bat on the ground, and spin ten times. Then after the tenth time, someone throws you an empty can that you proceed to try and hit. Or if your name is Maniak, you swing like you're Dustin Pedroia after someone told him a 5'6" second baseman couldn't make it as a hitter in the bigs and effing hit the guy who is about to throw the can and give him a nice welt on the back of the arm. Dick.

5. Whitewater rafting guides love to drink. And apparently, do the dizzybat. And they all look exactly how you think they would. Plus, if you give them a few beers, they will treat you like a friggin' king. Very easy to please.

6. Did you hear Michael Jackson got into an accident the day before he died? He rear-ended a twelve-year old. No, but in all seriousness, the autopsy came back yesterday and said he died of food poisoning. He ate nine-year old wiener. Ba-ZING.

So, I don't know what happened in the sports world this weekend because there was absolutely no cell service up there, so while you read this post, I will be seeing what went on. Then we can meet back up and discuss.

I wish I could have filmed this

Anyone have any Cheetos?

SYDNEY, Australia - Wallabies snacking in Tasmania's legally grown opium poppy fields are getting "high as a kite" and hopping around in circles, trampling the crops, a state official said.

Tasmania Attorney-General Lara Giddings told a budget hearing Wednesday that she had recently read about the kangaroo-like marsupials' antics in a brief on the state's large poppy industry. Tasmania is the world's largest producer of legally grown opium for the pharmaceutical market.

"We have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles," The Mercury newspaper quoted Giddings as telling the hearing. "Then they crash. We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high."

For those of you who don't know, wallabies are effing awesome. They are essentially small kangaroos. If you go to Australia, they have these things hopping around free in the zoos like we would have deer or donkeys or other boring shit. They have wallabies. They also bring out a wheelbarrow full of corn, lettuce, carrots, and whatnot, and you can scoop some up and hand feed them. If they gave us poppies to feed them I could have died right then and there because my life wouldn't have gotten any better. And I'm getting married in two weeks (shameless bragging). Bottomline, wallabies are effing awesome on their own(only to be rivaled by sea otters and some penguins), and to have them wandering around in circles after getting high off some opium is hilarious. I wish I could have been there.

He's almost back

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. -- Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez was welcomed back to baseball with rousing cheers. In the minor leagues, anyway. Ramirez, easing back into playing shape after a 50-game drug suspension, suited up for the Albuquerque Isotopes as they beat Nashville 1-0. Ramirez wore No. 99 for the Dodgers' top farm club. He played four innings and was hitless in two at-bats. The capacity crowd of 15,321 was the largest in Albuquerque's baseball history.

How apropos is it that he is playing for the Isotopes? Is there anyone else in the world, real or fictional, that Manny resembles more than Homer Simpson? I think not. And apparently, the actual Isotopes were named after that Simpsons' episode where Homer goes on the hunger strike to stop the Springfield team from moving to, you guessed it, Albuquerque. Anyway, Ramirez is almost off his suspension for doing PEDs, so we are only days away from the circus that will be LA when he does come back. Hopefully I will be out of the country when that happens.

Weekend recap

Just one week ago we were laughing and talking about how the Penguins won the Stanley Cup. That seems like a distant memory now, and we must move on from that concert of luck to see what's going on in the rest of the sports world. Oh and this effing rain can cut the shit and go away for a while. Like after July 11th.

1. Tiger Woods is not doing well (relatively) at Bethpage. As we speak, Lucas Glover and Ricky Barnes are through 1 and tied at -7. Update again at the end of this post. Mickelson is also not doing great, but he isn't out of it yet, tied for 3rd at -2 through 2.

2. On a related note, our boy Drew Weaver made the cut on the second day, and currently t40 at +7. What? You want to make fun? You go +7 at Bethpage. No, don't apologize to me, apologize to Drew. Dick.

3. Red Sox won. Yankees lost. Mets lost. Pirates played. Everyone was happy. Well not everyone, namely NY fans, but who the hell cares about them? Not me! I say. Sox take on your precious Nationals tonight, who seem to have a uncharacteristic winning streak of sorts going. Now the interesting thing here is who are the fairweather DC fans to root for? Their precious bandwagon Red Sox, or their suddenly "not craptacular" hometown Nationals? What to do, what to do? Aww hell, just root for the Caps, no one will know the difference.

4. Wimbledon opens today, yes we know this isn't weekend news, but with baseball and golf being the only sports going on right now, it's tough to get enough news here. Will Federer win? Yes. Nadal is gone due to injury, so who will beat him? Roddick? Blake? The Williams sisters? Ha!

5. The US advanced in the Confederations Cup by beating Egypt 3-nil. After the US got crushed by Italy and Brazil, the only way they could advance was by beating Egypt by (take a guess) 3 goals, AND Italy losing to Brazil by at least 3 goals. Guess how much Italy lost by. WRONG. Italy did in fact lose by 3 goals, and we get to go to the semis. Oh, I already said that so you probably did guess Italy lost by three. Sorry, you were right. My b.

6. US Open Update: Nothing has changed. These guys are making a liar out of me. Barnes and Glover are still through 1 tied at -7, Mickelson is through 2 at -2, and Woods is through 7 at E. Drew Weaver is through 10 at +7 overall and +2 on the day. Go Drew!

The Universe is aligning itself

Some interesting stuff happened in the baseball world last night. These included David Ortiz raising his average to .213(!) - with three runs and a double, Brad Penny taking a liner off the chest and brushed it off like a fly and then kept pitching, Brad Penny winning his 100th game, the Red Sox having their 500th consecutive sellout, Roy Halladay - arguably the best pitcher in the MLB - got put on the DL, effectively ending the Blue Jay's chance of winning this season, the Pirates are only three (3) games under .500 (almost halfway through the season! this could be Pittsburgh's year), and the "mighty" Yankees took one on the chin from the Nationals, whose win last night accounted for 5.8% of their total season wins (to put that in perspective, one win is only 2.5% of the Red Sox's wins and 3.2% of the Pirates' - the Nats only have 17 wins now). The baseball gods are smiling down upon the North End Zone today. Go and sacrifice a hotdog.

Really, PETA? Really?!

WASHINGTON - The group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants the flyswatter in chief to try taking a more humane attitude the next time he's bedeviled by a fly in the White House.

PETA is sending President Barack Obama a Katcha Bug Humane Bug Catcher, a device that allows users to trap a house fly and then release it outside.

"We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals," PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said Wednesday. "We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals."

I know this isn't sports related, but it needs to be put out on a major news site. msnbc.com wasn't big enough. We're bringing it to the NEZ.

Seriously though, aren't there worse things going on in the world towards animals that PETA should be worrying about other than effing house flies? I mean who in their right mind buys a fly catcher to save the miserable life of a tiny pest whose only job is to piss you off and spread germs and disease. Next they're going to say to stop swatting mosquitoes. That one makes sense though because mosquitoes are so cute and cuddly, who would even want to swat them?

There are dogs and cats being put through unthinkable pain and suffering and torture all around the country, and these dickwads decide to focus on an insect that, honestly, I don't even think people in PETA care enough to catch and release outside. I used to think that PETA was a little misguided in their views, but had the right idea. Now they just lost some credibility in my eyes, and I am fully convinced that a significant portion of their members and leadership is completely batshit crazy.

In case you're curious, and I know you are, here are some facts about the common housefly:

• The average house fly lives on average 21 days.
• A flies wings beat 200 times per second.
• Flies don't grow. They are born full size.
• Flies have 4000 lenses in each eye.
• Flies jump up and backwards when taking off.
• Average speed of a fly in flight is 4.5 m.p.h..
• Flies smell with their antennae
• Flies will only continue to beat their wings so long as their feet are free. As soon as the feet become stationary, the will stop flying.
• Entomologists Dr. Yao and Dr. Yuan of China studied more than 378,046 common house flies and estimated that each carried no less than 1,941,000 bacteria on their bodies.

Maybe we'll get back to sports today, if we feel like it. I wouldn't hold your breath, though.

DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO LIVE WITH?

In keeping with the vein of not reporting anything close to sports today, I want you all to see the people up here in NY/NJ, in case you didn't see this before now. I encourage you to watch it all the way through, there is nothing you can skip past.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Long Island Wants to Secede
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Jason Jones in Iran

The day that nothing happened

Well we all had a night off last night because unless you are an Angels, SF Giants, Brewers, or Indians fan, nothing happened last night. Hockey season is over. Basketball season is over (thank God). Football season hasn't started yet. Baseball was on a travel day. Nothing happened. Thankfully we get games back tonight, granted only baseball, so it's kind of a letdown from what we have gotten used to, but at least it's something. Put the book away. Sports are back on television.

So, since there really is nothing to talk about today, here are a series of pictures of dogs in funny costumes. Enjoy.

Weekend Recap: WOOOOOOO Version

The N allowed a special exemption to have your humble editor to jump on the weekend recap. I apologize for the delay, but I doubt any letters will reach our inbox. (If you feel like writing, please use as many curse words as possible, and write in all caps.)

Onto this weekend, not that anything special happened. Except for…

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Yes, my beloved Penguins did what many deemed impossible. Sidney, Geno, and everyone else FINALLY got that Stanley Cup they’ve waited 5 years to hoist. There will clearly be a more substantial post on the accomplishment at a later time. But I don’t see how anyone that watched the last period can possibly say they can’t get into hockey. I know it was my team and all, but good lord. A crossbar to keep the lead in game 7 with 2 minutes left? Dead people had heart attacks watching that. And Hossa? You know I kinda feel ba… BAAAAAAAAH. His tears sustain me. Again, much, much more to come.

Another Championship. There was some sort of basketball contest or something this weekend too. We know we give the NBA a pretty big snub here, but we can say succinctly that we hate the Lakers. Thus, this series gets a big “whatevs” from us. Maybe if Penny Hardaway was still on the Magic, we would have paid attention. But those 4th quarters were unbearable. I’ve seen less timeouts at a daycare.

The final nail in the coffin for Detroit. Bill Laimbeer resigns as coach of WNBA’s Detroit Shock. Adjust your WNBA Fantasy Coach lineup accordingly.

Less important news than the WNBA... The Plaxico hearing has been delayed until September, which likely means he will not be playing football this season. The real lesson here is simple kids: buy a freaking holster, right? We’re not sure how this affects the Giants as a football team, but boy is Tom Coughlin’s face red ba-dum-ching. They’ll still beat the Redskins, have no fear.

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To be honest, that’s all I could find while at work today. It seemed to be a slow sports weekend other than the two championships. It may also be because I just woke up from Friday night. Anyone seen my pants?