| 03 August 2010
Last night, contributor DW was visited by Jesus of Gainesville. Tim Tebow has a message to ESPN and the rest of the media: He hates you all. You turned the public against him. His words etched into stone tablets, after the jump...
I am now considered royalty in the great state of Florida and a deity to the masses. Thank you ESPN...?
The accolades and awards that I have earned through my tireless work ethic and skills have brought me to the front of the media’s attention, but that is not what I am known for.. Through the years I spent running over defensive players and perfecting my “Jump Pass”, you all could have just acknowledged my achievements like a normal football player. Instead, you had to turn me into some poster child for moral goodness, or the second coming of Jesus. I mean really, just because I didn’t spend my college days getting drunk and arrested doesn’t mean I should be put on a pedestal.
You know how many times I asked ESPN to talk about my mission work? ZERO. Yet everyone gets all pissed off at me for going overseas to help starving babies or whatever the hell I did over there. What did you do in that time that was so meaningful? Mow the lawn? Play fantasy baseball? Have a child…ok that one’s a little different. But you get my point. People shouldn’t hate me for helping, yet ESPN made that happen.
Millions and millions of other people around the world are the same…"level" of Christian that I am. But I quarterbacked a great football team, so E:60 had to make a 12-part series on me. What was I going to say? No?
And seriously, in-game announcers: put some ChapStick on those lips. My ass is literally raw from you kissing it. Oh, and when I’m just standing around the sideline, I’m not always leading or in deep thought. I’m just a dude, and sometimes dudes just stand around.
For the last time, I AM NOT JESUS. I would like to think I have a close, personal relationship with Jesus. I may have had my share of head injuries, but believe it or not I’m not crazy. I do not talk to him in a mirror. So please stop sending me tithing, Mark May.
So here is what I have to say about it all: ESPN get off my nuts. They belong to Jockey now.
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DW is not Darkwing Duck. He is a fellow Hokie, avid spelunker, and amateur party-goer. He also enjoys beer.
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