| 29 July 2010
This is getting done now so I can vent a little before I go to the Caribbean next week and get surrounded by these fuckers.
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So let me start off by saying: I know a lot of good tanners. My whole family is made up of good tanners. This puts me in a unique position for this hate. Most pasty-white bastards like CGally are born into families that are of the same ilk. All very very white. They plan family vacations that take this into account. They purchase 30SPF in buckets for the entire family.
Not me. Not my family. My sister got the Italian genes. I got the not-Italian genes.
I would post a picture here to compare, but I can't seem to find any of the two of us. Probably because I avoid pictures with her like the plague.
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Enough about my family though. For all you tanners out there, can we tell you something? It's not fun when you compare your skin color to ours. We get it. We're white. Very white. Every time you do the whole "hey put your arm next to mine" bit, we want to snap your neck. And everyone who's tan feels a need to compare themselves to us apparently to feel better about themselves. Well I'm telling you all right now: stop it. It's mean and it makes us cry.
Not really, but it is annoying as hell.
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Tanners also try to do that fake concern thing that they take way too far when it comes to sunscreen. "Oh no, you don't want to touch that, that's only 8 SPF, you'll fry." Oh, why thank you for saving me. How stupid of me to think I could use 8 SPF. Listen, bitch, I'm not putting it on my skin, I'm moving it out of the way so I can get my 50 SPF lotion-shirt. I know Ill fry with it on. Back. The. Fuck. Off.
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Finally, just so you know, sitting on beaches is boring as shit. At least when you're forced into the shade for 95% of the day. We can only go in the sun for like 10 minutes, tops, before we have to reapply. Most tanners can relax, fall asleep, read a book, knit, whatever they do. But not us. The beach is like a war zone for us. Always thinking two steps ahead of the sun. We can't fall asleep. We can't read a book for more than two pages. We can't knit or else we'll get a weird ass bunch of lines on our skin. The beach isn't relaxing. It's a goddamn workout. Then we move over to the shade, and it's like we're quarantined from the rest of the crowd. Fair-skinned people are the lepers of the beach.
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Have your fun in the summer, tanners. Winter is our time.
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