| 27 May 2010
There's something about eating meat that brings you back to where you feel a connection with your ancestors. Not the ones who gave you shitty Christmas presents and still call you by the diminuitive form of your name. The ones who carried a club and fought pumas and shit. Makes you realize why we still have those sharpish fangs for teeth. Makes you feel alive. Jump then vote.
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1 Beef vs 16 Alligator
Is there anything more American than beef? I submit that there is not. Nothing like a good hamburger or steak. Hot damn I am getting hungry. Is there really anything that needs to be said about beef? Alligator on the other hand. Havent had this one too much. Had it in Boudreaux in their alligator bites. Tastes like chicken. Not too much meat to chew on. I mean I guess it was good. I wouldn’t turn it away. But there just seem to be plenty of other meats out there that I prefer to chew on. No homo.
2 Chicken vs 15 Waterfowl
Probably a bit of an unfair match up here. Everyone eats chicken, but not many people eat waterfowl. Chicken is chicken is chicken. Very versatile and delicious. It’s really the catch all meat. It works as a decent substitute for almost anything. Waterfowl on the other hand is good. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good. But it’s not widely available and most of it tastes pretty much like chicken anyways.
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3 Lobster vs 14 Lamb
Lobsters are the classiest food we have here on this list. I could sit down with a fresh 1.5 pound lobster and eat the shit out of it. Literally. Lobster is that fucking good. Some might say it’s not meat because in their fucked up opinions fish isn’t meat. Well it is. Fish and crustaceans have eyes and hearts and dreams. They’re fucking meat. Lobster’s competitor in this round, lamb, is a very niche market meat. Not many people like lamb, but those that do like it fucking LOVE it. Kinda sad to think about how they kill these adorable little animals for us to gorge ourselves on. But it’s the lamb’s fault. If it weren’t so delicious and tender, we wouldn’t want to eat it. I blame you lambs. Side note: we could have included mutton on this one too, you know, mutton is grown up sheep, but who the fuck eats mutton anymore?
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4 Shrimp vs 13 Veal
Who doesn’t eat shrimp? It’s easy to make, easy to eat and good for you. What’s not to like? Plus these little things don’t actually look like any cute little animals, so we don’t have any qualms about stickin’ them. Veal on the other hand is baby cows. My sister and mother thought they were a completely seaparate animal. They are not very worldly, my family. But truth is, veal is baby cow. Calf, if you will. I don’t like to eat them on principle alone, but my dad loves veal. He prefers to kill them himself too. Not really, but could you imagine?
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5 Pork vs 12 Bison
Pork is fucking awesome. Quite possibly the best meat out there. Pork gets a bad rap though. Pig has a negative connotation in our society. But is there anything more delicious that pig meat? I don’t think there is. You have pork, ham, bacon, ribs, pulled pork… hold on a sec, need to change my pants. Oh and in many of its forms, pork is actually good for you. Bison is also good for you, but that shit is expensive. It’s tasty, more of a leaner beef taste. But again, expensive. Those damn cowboys and train riders in the late 1800s (1900s?) really fucked us by killing all those bison. If they hadn’t been douche bags, bison might be the main meat in America instead of beef. But here we are. Bison up against pork. Use your head.
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6 Salmon vs 11 Venison
Salmon is the undisputed king of the American fishes. Shit is tasty, good for you, and pretty versatile. I could go for some salmon right now. Not that this affects the competition, but salmon also have some pretty big balls. They go to their home river to spawn, jump out of the water to get over some rapids and what do they have waiting for them? Fucking bears. Yet they still jump. They are having fish sex no matter what. That’s determination. Looking a bear in the eye and saying “fuck you bear, you ain’t got shit on me”. On the other hand, Venison is delicious game meat. This includes caribou, deer, moose, etc. Not very common, but if you want venison, you can find venison. It’s like beef, but a little more wild tasting. Good stuff, that venison.
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7 Turkey vs 10 Clams
Turkey is the staple of Thanksgiving. It’s damn near awesome year-round as well. Great on sandwiches, great as burgers, and great as a big fucking leg at a football game. Clams are wonderful during the summer. Having a clambake (no not that kind) is great. They can get expensive though. And you always have that risk of chomping down on some sand, which really grinds my gears.
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8 Crab vs 9 Tuna
Our Maryland friends know which way they’re going on this one, but for all you other people, let’s look at this closely. Crab is great. Crab cakes are delicious. Crab legs are fucking awesome. We love crabs so much here that there is a show about how crazy bastards go out in the middle of the winter to catch crab for us and risk their lives while doing it. Tuna on the other hand is so good, it has become a standard sandwich for people young and old. Not many meats can do that. I would be willing to argue that the big three are turkey, ham, and tuna. Have you ever had a tuna steak? Good stuff. Tuna needs some love.
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