| 20 August 2011
Here it is. The HateFest we’ve all been waiting for.
The DC-area has the highest concentration of Hokies in the world. But even this awesome fact cannot make up for the pure torture of living there. The only question is where to start?
Escalator Walking
What is escalator walking, and why in the hell would you bring it up?
For those who don’t know, the rule on the Metro escalators is that if you are standing, you stand to the right. If you are walking up you stand to the left.
This may not seem like such a big deal, but to me, it defines the culture of the area.
People in this city think they are so f*cking important that they have to walk up a two story escalator on their way to work. That 30 seconds they save is really going to improve their productivity and make the world a much better place.
The best part is that they will SCREAM at anyone (mostly those from out of town) that is standing on the left. So not only are you too important to be chained down by the reasonably paced escalator, but you have to let others know that you had better get through immediately, or there will be hell to pay.
And do you know why those out-of-towners don’t know right away to stand to the left on the escalator? Because NO ONE ELSE IN THE COUNTRY DOES IT.
Have you been to another city where people walk up a device specifically designed to make you not have to walk? Of course not. That would be retarded.
No one in DC is as important as they think they are. It’s like dealing with 5 million Ronyell Whitaker’s.
People
Speaking of the population…
Does anyone else notice how everyone in town always seems pissed off?
This isn’t very surprising though. There aren’t too many places in DC that aren’t miserable. Grocery stores are packed. Bars are expensive. Traffic can eat your soul.
On top of that, DC is more transient than a New York City bus stop. People wonder why so many opposing fans go to Redskins games. Well, besides the fact that the Skins blow, 90% of the city’s population was born elsewhere. And not many people pick up the local team when they relocate. Especially when that team is owned by Dan Snyder.
The area is also overrun with hipsters and douchebags. I’m not quite sure how this is possible, but they seem to be united in the common goal of pissing me off. However, the internet doesn’t need another rant on how much these groups of camel excrement suck. I have no idea how people can be so self absorbed when their parents pay their rent.
And the ladies… well, just read about the Arlington Girl.
Traffic
In no other city have so many people actually considered ramming their car into a jersey barrier out of frustration.
Who designed these roads?? “Ok, so we have a big loop around the city. Good. Now, should we put any bridges across the river outside of this loop? Naaaaah.”
The nation’s capital has a river running through it, and there are 4 places to cross it. Are you in Northern Virginia and need to get to Maryland? You can either take 495, or say “screw it” and stay home.
Metro
“But C Gally, you could just take the Metro. I take it once a week and it’s fine.”
Try taking it every day for work, asshole. It is the WORST. Take all those awful people I mentioned before and cram them together in a warm tube. Lovely.
But what I might hate even more are the people that don’t ride the Metro but like to comment on it.
A while back, a man passed away quietly on a train. No one noticed until the last stop of the day. There was OUTRAGE from the local media. How could this happen?? How could no one have noticed a man sitting there quietly??
The answer is that riding the Metro isn’t a f*cking amusement park ride. Everyone is listening to their iPod, reading the shitty free paper, and trying not to notice the awfulness around them. Any one that rides on a regular basis knows EXACTLY how someone could die and no one notice.
Because anyone riding the Metro is already dead inside themselves.
Climate
Can I get unbearably humid summers coupled with massive snowfalls in the winter? Oh, and can we be completely unprepared to handle these snowfalls? Great, I’m moving to DC!!
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Well, I’m exhausted. There are about 100 other things to hate on in DC (overpaying for everything, kickball leagues). But they will have wait until I’m drunker.
UPDATE
Also, earthquakes. Mild, non-threatening earthquakes.
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