| 16 November 2011
Nothing makes us happier than UNC fans crying over sports.
Thursday night in Blacksburg.
Time to get it back.
Start jumping…
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Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week
Have we already used this song before? Yes.
Do we care? NOPE!
It’s Thursday night in Blacksburg. There are no rules.
Welcome to the Terrordome.
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YEAAAAAAH GEORGIA TECH!!! What’s up now, bitches??
Paul Johnson, you stupid cheating ass bag. When they called the illegal block in the first quarter, we knew it was over. No injured knees tonight!
And going for it on fourth from our 35? What is wrong with you? Going for two in the third quarter? Are you TRYING to lose?
Oh… WE went for two in the third quarter… ugh… of course we did.
There were plenty of questionable coaching decisions made on our part. Not that this is surprising, of course.
For example, 4th and 5 from their 35 and we punt. REALLY?? Not surprisingly, the kick goes into the end zone (because our special teams is a joke) and we net 15 yards on the punt. This is bad in and of itself, but even more mind boggling is the third down passing play which had no routes under 12 yards.
You’re on their 35. You can’t kick a field goal because our kicker sucks. You can’t punt because our punter sucks. Even Al Groh can see that this is the very definition of 4 down territory. So you’ve got 2 plays to get 5 yards. Sounds a lot better than punting for a gain of 15 yards.
So yes, we won, which is great. And Georgia Tech lost, which might actually be even more gratifying.
But our confidence in this coaching staff putting together a winning game plan against a great opponent is about as low as it’s ever been.
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The Bad Guys
Are they allowed to have a full football team this year? Yeah? Doesn’t matter.
Every year, we hear people (Heather Dinich) say that THIS IS THE YEAR that North Carolina competes.
Well, shockingly, they sucked again this year. They are coming of a loss to NC State, in which they scored ZERO points. In the entire game! At least we’re able to put a few points up during one of the halves.
Apparently this is their QB’s first time to play the Lunch Pail Defense. Good thing it’s not in Lane Stadium on a Thursday night. Oh wait, it’s TOTALLY in Lane Stadium on a Thursday night. Get ready to shit yourself, young man.
BDubs already mentioned this, but check out Quinton Coples brand.
He did that HIMSELF! Where does someone even get a brand like that? It looks like it turned out fine, but for every self-brand that looks good, how many self-brands go horribly, horribly wrong?
Ugh. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE???
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The Good Guys
Hey! Look who’s finally getting some Heisman press! Our own DMFW, also known as the country’s leading rusher. It’s crazy! Ad when we run him a lot, we tend to win going away. You’d think our gameplan would revolve around him…
The Tank Engine is ROLLING right now. He seems to be leading the team with more confidence, and his passes are looking better and better. He’s also a beast, and we’re FINALLY using a simple QB sneak to pick up first downs. It’s almost like he’s a really big QB and is built for that kind of thing.
(Seriously, f*ck you Voldemort.)
Also, Boykin = Beast.
Overall, the D looked solid. They made plays when they had to and eventually won the game for us. Yes, there were plenty of dropped passes by the Yellow Jackets, but let’s not forget we were loading up against the triple option because we wanted to force them to beat us with the pass. Which of course they couldn’t do.
The special teams… you know what? Let’s move on.
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The Game
This game means a lot, actually. Win, and we only need to beat UVA (or have them lose this week to FSU, which is probable) to make the ACC Championship.
Lane will be on fire, but it’s going to come down to a few things outside of crowd noise, sadly. If we can keep from turning the ball over, control the clock, and make reasonable coaching decisions, we should win handily.
And is there anything better than kicking the shit out of some blue-blood, silverspoon sucking prick wads from a pretentious school? Well, as a Virginia Tech fan, we get to do it at least 3 times a year. We already took out Duke, and our trip to France is up next week. Time to take out the meat of this douchebag sandwich.
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Zombie Kill of the Week
Each week Sometimes, D_w gives us his Zombie Kill of the Week. Not shockingly, he failed us AGAIN. You don’t deserve to have the same nickname as Darkwing Duck. From now on, you’ll be known as Starscream.
UPDATE
Nothing like submitting a Zombie Kill 7 hours before kick off. Take it away, D_starscream
These Thursday night games always seem to sneak up on me when I'm not able to be in the stadium for the game... that's the excuse I am going to go with for why the Zombie Kill wasn't posted in a timely fashion for the preview. I'd also like to welcome back BDubs who makes me missing a week or two of Zombie Kills look a hell of a lot better, thanks and welcome back.
Last week we all had to suffer through watching GT staggering up the field like a frat boy exiting TOTS on his 21st birthday, both produce a good amount of laughs but in the end its just sad. So this week we give the Zombie Kill to # 15 Eddie Whitley for teaching Tevin Washington that he should probably learn how to throw the ball from the pocket and not leave his feet for the endzone, no matter how tempting it looks.
I know I know, GT made a large gain on the play and it resulted in a meaningless touchdown and I will be the first to say I don't like awarding Zombie Kills on plays that are large gains but Whitley earned this one.
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Toughest Decision of the Week
This week, I was charged with putting together my starters for a baseball team comprised solely of fictional characters. Most positions were simple (i.e. Catcher: Ham Porter over Jake Taylor). Some were more difficult (i.e. Pitcher: Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn over Henry Rowengartner).
Then I came upon the most difficult decision I have ever made in my life.
Centerfield.
Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez vs. Willie “Mays” Hayes.
I won’t tell you which one I chose in the end, but I will say that I am no longer friends with about 5 people due to drunken arguments at the bar.
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Dumbest Thing Ever of the Week
Did anyone watch the Penn State / Nebraska “football” “game” on Saturday? It was like watching two blind midgets dry heave.
Anyways, they kept showing video of Paterno’s house. And then we saw this:
Yes, that is two grown men kneeling in front of JoePa’s house. Screaming “REALLY?!?!?” doesn’t even begin to express my anger about this.
If you ever find yourself reverently kneeling in front of a guy’s house because he lost his job as a freaking football coach, you should really examine your life choices and priorities.
He’s a football coach, people. He’s a man, flesh and bone. He eats and shits just like you. He probably urinates WAY more than you.
You’ve never spoken to him, so don’t tell me he’s a father figure in your life.
He didn’t die; he was fired. And he was fired amongst a scandal involving the raping of boys. If you really thought “kicking his ass to the curb” was not on the table, you are kidding yourself.
You people have turned this guy into a golden idol. Something people actually worship. I wouldn’t be surprised if…
I can’t wait for this kid to talk about this in 30 years.
If you would like to fear for our nation’s future even further, check out the comments on this PSU blog.
My favorite?
I cannot f*cking believe this... I have tears running down my face…. this is the darkest day I have ever seen as a Nittany Lion…. I am glad my dad is not alive to see this… unf*cking real…. what a nightmare
Your dad died!! Is that not the darkest day you’ve seen??
I’m proposing a new class for Penn State: Perspective 101.
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This Week in F Thank You ESPN
Your humble editor is in school. A school with no sports priorities whatsoever. It’s bizaro Penn State.
Because of this, I have a class on Thursday nights until 9, which is just the worst thing ever.
In ancient times, this would mean missing the first half of the game. But in today’s world of ESPN3, I will be able to both sign in during class AND watch the game silently as my blood boils over another stupid coaching decision that defies basic football strategy.
So this week, I say “Thank You”, ESPN.
And I swear to God if this game is blacked out on line I am coming to Connecticut and General Sherman’ing your place to the ground.
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This Week in F You ESPN
Nevermind, we still have something.
If there is one person in the world that we don’t need telling us what to think in regards to the Penn State scandal, it is Rick freaking Reilly.
Just to make you even angrier, this joke of a writer is considered one of the greatest sports journalists in history.
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Avid Reader Comment of the Week
With all the hate that goes on around this site, we’d like to talk about something that we love: Reader Comments.
Why do we love them? For many reasons:
1. We know that people other than our parents are reading.
2. We don’t have to come up with funny content on our own (always a bad idea)
3. The comments are usually funnier than anything we could think up.
This week’s award goes to LaF, for his comment summing up our humble site in one sentence:
Welcome back Bdubs but you just made me learn something and now my brain hurts. I love and read the NEZ because its about as sophisticated as a fart joke.
Well played sir lady, well played.
Speaking of BDubs...
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New “Writer” of the Week
Writer? Contributor? Douchebag? Whatever you want to call him, BDubs is back. And he decided to post a picture of himself. He chose… Poorly.
We have pictures of him, too…
No lie, he’s singing to Kelly Clarkson’s opus, “Since You’ve Been Gone.”
Seriously. I’m not joking.
We’re trying to class the place up a little bit. Providing crazy things like analysis, facts, and statistics. Have no fear, your weekly angry post will still remain the same. BDubs comes on to provide something to read between Friday and Thursday.
He’s a big boy, so please feel free to eviscerate everything he says. In fact, The Northerner is encouraging it.
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Hokie Motivator of the Week
Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie Motivator. This week, he sucked and didn’t submit one. As usual, this gives us an opportunity to post a motivator that is actually good:
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Gratuitous Dumb and Dumber Quote of the Week
Yes, we're stealing this straight from Deadspin's Jamboroo. No, we don't care.
Lloyd: The first time I set eyes on Mary Swanson, I just got that old fashioned romantic feeling… where I'd do anything to bone her.
Harry: That's a special feeling, Lloyd.
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Replacement Voldemort of the Week
Everyone remembers the horrible game we had last time UNC came to town on a Thursday night.
We haven’t beaten UNC on a Thursday night since 1907.
We’ve been locked in a prison for more than a hundred years.
It’s time for vengeance.
But not vengeance in the traditional sense.
We want to take everything.
So let’s turn to a man that majored in this kind of thing…
Edmond Dantes
“Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout, ‘Do your worst, for I will do mine!’ Then the fates will know you as we know you...”
He added, “So do your worst, UNC. And welcome to the f*cking Terrordome.”
LET’S GO HOKIES!!
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