| 29 September 2011
Conference play begins with the perennial under-achiever: Clemson.
Your humble editor is heading down, but not until late Friday. I’d love to be down there early Friday for the usual shenanigans, but some of us have to work. Someone’s gotta put beer on the table.
All the other shenanigans, after the jump…
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Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week
Say what you want about Phil Collins, or our decision to use him to pump us up, but the anticipation come game time is going to be incredible. And we’re pretty sure this song sums it up perfectly. You’ll feel in coming in the air Saturday night.
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Alternate Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week
FINE. We know that the drum solo alone is not enough to save our credibility. So we’re providing a more fitting song.
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So that Marshall game. Huh.
The good? We won.
The bad? Basically everything other than DMFW and the defense. What else is new?
The ugly? Missed field goals and turnovers. We have about as much confidence in this team as The Northerner has in the Red Sox making the playoffs…
…they aren’t??
…THEY DID WHAT??
BAHAHAHA!!!
/cries self to sleep on Andy Van Slyke Pirates’ jersey
Anyways, the Marshall game sucked. Just like the 3 prior games. And we wouldn’t feel good about this game, unless we were playing…
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The Bad Guys
CLEMSON! Aren’t they freaking adorable? They think they’re people.
They beat a shitty SEC team and a banged-up FSU, both at home, and they think the world owes them something. There’s lots of reasons Clemson sucks. SO LET’S GO THROUGH THEM!
#1. Their Mascot – The Tigers? Wow guys, way to get crazy. You have the creativity of a 4 year old.
#2. Their Stadium Nickname – Death Valley? Wow guys, way to just straight up copy LSU. You have the creativity of a 3 year old.
#3. Their Entrance – Clemson “people” want to claim their little run down the hill is the most exciting 25 seconds in football. Really?? Clemson entering the field? How about we call it the 25 seconds before the game where they aren’t disappointing their fans.
#4 Their Sports – Clemson is the only school in the country that consistently falls short of expectations in football AND in basketball. Heck, I’m not even mad. That’s amazing.
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The Good Guys
Things We Know
DMFW is going to rock the house. He always does, and you know he’s going to get the ball plenty.
The defense will be stout. They always are, and you know they’re going to get the ball plenty.
Things We Don’t Know
Our chances of making field goals. Actually, we do know this. Cody Journell is 57% this year. Ugh. Add in a missed extra point, and we have about as much confidence in our kicking game as… oh we did this joke already? Man, we’re getting old/drunk.
If the Tank Engine can win. Like, really win. A big game. There’s no more of this “almost getting picked” stuff. If he makes an errant throw against this team, he’s going to get picked. Let’s channel the ghost of Bryan Randall and let the running game and defense carry us. Think you can…
Yeah, we know that’s the wrong tank engine. We don’t care.
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The Game
When we started writing this preview 5 minutes ago, we weren’t all that optimistic about our chances. But as we’ve run through our detailed analysis, we’ve realized that this is a night game in Blacksburg. AND NO ONE BEATS US AT NIGHT ON WORSHAM.
Seriously though, this game is going to be intense. Tajh Boyd has 1,255 passing yards in 4 games. But let’s not forget, his name is Tajh.
At least his name's not Dabo.
For those of you going to the game, drink heavily and get loud enough to not hear yourself think.
For those of you watching at home, drink heavily and get loud enough to drown out the sound of ESPN blowing Clemson all night.
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Zombie Kill of the Week
This is it, D_w. Last chance. If there is no Zombie Kill next week, I will stop all payments you receive from this blog.
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Hokie Motivator(s) of the Week
Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie Motivator.
To be fair, we’re more like a lifeboat.
Reader Email of the Week
We received the following this week from avid reader, Stacey:
In the preview this week, I would love if you mention Charlie “Heismenhurst” Whitehurst. Every year he played at Clemson, he was going to win the Heisman. And every year, he sucked major ass. And has no personality. And looked like the unibomber. He got all upset one time when there was a photoshop floating around of him blowing Tommy Bowden.
Yup. Definitely Ted Kazinski-esque.
Good lord, did they really call him Heismanhurst? I don't even remember this guy, but that is the lamest thing I have ever heard. Lower your heads in shame, Tigers. No no, even lower than usual.And I hope everyone has sweet dreams of a possible picture of this guy blowing Tommy Bowden. Enjoy.
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Nightmare Fuel of the Week
A pile of Steely McBeam Pillow Pets. NOW your dreams are f*cked.
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Gratuitous Dumb and Dumber Quote of the Week
Yes, we're stealing this straight from Deadspin's Jamboroo. No, we don't care.State Trooper: Pullover!
Harry: No, it's a cardigan but thanks for noticing.
Lloyd: Yeah, killer boots man!
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Replacement Voldemort of the Week
With Clemson being anointed the new kings of the conference, we guess we need to turn to a strong individual.
A man who would do anything to get the job done.
And with two schools who’s colors are orange / maroon and orange / purple, we need someone with a similar fashion sense.
We need…
Artie. The Strongest Man… IN THE WORLD!
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So let's do this boys...
Night Game.
Blacksburg.
Clear Eyes.
Full Hearts.
Can’t Lose.
LET’S GO HOKIES!!
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