Game 5: Cincinnati
Last time in the FedEx Orange Bowl. Now at FedEx Field. Coincidence?? ...Yes. Absolutely.
Our last non-conference game of the season. In the friendly confines of FedEx Field.
Is FedEx Field friendly? No, not at all. That place is a big ball of suck.
Know what doesn’t suck? Hitting the jump…
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Non-Metallica Pump-Up Song of the Week
We figured out our issue this season! Usually, we start right off the bat with some Coheed. We totally blew it this year!
Well, we’re making up for it now. So you’ll take it and you’ll like it.
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Not much to say about the Bowling Green game. We didn’t look fantastic, but we doubt anyone was expecting us to. Are we a good team? Who knows. That game told us pretty much nothing about ourselves. But hey, at least you got drunk, right?
This week, we have Cincinnati. A team that absolutely demolished Pitt. De. Molished. Then re-molished them. Then demolished them again.
Nine days later, the Panthers walked up to the 13th ranked Hokies and punched us square in the throat. Right in the baby maker.
Did Pitt spend those nine days becoming a much better team? Or do the Hokies really suck that much? Was the Pitt game maybe just a fluke?
In all likelihood, it’s a combination of all three.
But for now, we try to finish the Rock-Paper-Scissors sequence we’ve got going here.
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The Bad Guys
Yeah, we don’t know anything about Cincinnati. So we’re not really sure what we’re going to use to fill up this section. They have a mobile quarterback named Munchie Legaux…
Munchie Legaux…
MUNCHIE LEGAUX!!!
The football blog gods have shined down upon us with this glorious gift.
Munchie. Freaking. Lego.
Is this for real? This sounds like a nickname you’d give to the stoner kid back in high school. Or a really terrible name for a stripper.
Yes, sadly it is a nickname. His real name is Benton. That’s the extent of research I’m doing for this game.
We assume that Legaux is French for Lego. Does it sting really bad to step on him?
Munchie Legaux. First Ochocinco. Now Munchie. What the hell is wrong with Cincinnati?
How does one get the nickname Munchie? You know what… we’re not going there. This is a family site.
Anyways, he can apparently scramble. Also, The Bearcats start 11 guys on defense. So we should plan for that.
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The Good Guys
Man, we don’t even know any more. Running game looks slightly better, but our backs just aren’t the superstars we’ve been spoiled within the past.
Our receivers drop balls. Our defense, though looking better against BG, is definitely not to the level we’ve been spoiled with in the past.
Just…everyone needs to step their shit up.
Especially at FedEx, where we have yet to win.
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The Game
Yeah! You almost forgot the game was being played at the travesty of a stadium out in Landover, didn’t you? Has anyone in the history of time had a positive experience at that place? Win or lose?
Hmmm… 80,000 seat stadium… two roads in and out should suffice. Also, don’t change the traffic lights after the game. Wouldn’t want anyone leaving quickly.
That place is just the worst. If you are going, just be prepared. Find a designated driver and work really hard to be passed out in the back seat when you leave. You will thank me later.
Know what’s a great way to achieve this goal? We do. And we’re doing it this week.
We’ve been talking about it a lot, but we haven’t yet been brave enough to step up to the plate. But this week, it’s happening…
We are playing the Logan Thomas Over-Throw Drinking Game.
Half a beer every time LT3 overthrows a receiver.
Running this blog has been great fun. I’d like to thank the eight of you out there for supporting us these past few seasons, but I doubt I will make it out of this one alive.
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Oh! The game. Almost forgot.
Yeah, this game means nothing. Once you’re out of the running for the national championship, out of conference games are pretty much worthless.
So while the game really is worthless, it’s going to be a great barometer to find out where this team really is in terms of ability.
A somewhat decent opponent in what is basically a home game. If we can’t take care of business, strap in.
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Zombie Kill of the Week
Well we didn't suck as much this week! I had the chance to make it back to Blacksburg for this one and let me say.. for those of you who have not been back this season.. the offense looks just as bad in person as it does on TV or ESPN3.com but damn it was good to be back in Blacksburg where along with Turkey Legs there is now a bdubs wing truck in the stadium cooking and selling all game long. Ok Ok, back to the topic at hand, I thought we might have gotten LT3 back into the Zombie Kill mix this week but he falls short and becomes our runner up..
This week Logan Thomas loses out to another massive block on the return... #25 Martin Scales hits BGSU so hard that he actually takes out #22 Tony Gregory.. Well done sir, keep it up or you'll be getting a visit from C.Gally. Don't worry C.Gally won't physically hurt you, he will just bore you to death with all the fun stuff he has learned with his time in Indy.
[Editor’s note: Corn. I’ve learned a lot about corn.]
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B-Dub’s Factual Corner
For each game, we figured our dear readers might enjoy some actual, somewhat researched information. Your humble editor scoffed at the idea that he should do any actual work, so B-Dubs took up the task.
So yeah. Guess what? Cincinnati is actually pretty damn good. And you know what sucks? They’ve had two weeks to get ready for this game. You know what else sucks? They slaughtered Pittsburgh. Oh I’m not done yet, you know what sucks even more? VT has a career record of 10-20 in NFL stadiums. But you know what sucks the most?! We’re 0-2 playing at FedEx Field. Nothing good happens here. We lose football games and the Redskins attempt to play there. It really doesn’t get any worse. Seriously, can you list a scenario where it gets worse?
Anyway, this offense has rolled their first two games. Granted it was against two crappy teams (one of which beat us, of course), they still have averaged 465 yards of offense in those games. Shit. Why can’t we do that? Anyway this guy Munchie Legaux (ha) is pretty good. He’s passed for 200 yards a game and added another 70 per on the ground. So if we can make Tino Sunseri look like a Heisman candidate, then imagine what this guy could possibly do to us. Oh and it looks like they have a pretty decent running back, too. It probably wouldn’t hurt to shut that guy down. For what it’s worth, Ronny Vandyke is now the starter over Jeron Gouveia-Winslow. Does that make you feel better
Defensively? Well, they did a much better job against Pitt than we did. Yeah, I am going to keep using Pitt as a baseline since we’ve both played them. They gave up a ton of yards, but still managed to hold them to ten points. To be honest, it’s hard to figure out how good their defense is with games against Pitt and Delaware State. As for our offense? F*ck Voldemort – I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter play call than him. I mean, my middle finger gets a boner whenever I think of him.
My prediction is that because I will be at this game, I will be hammered. That’s the best I can give you for now. GO HOKIES!
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BE BETTER! of the Week
This is a new feature that will likely show up each week. We’ve used this phrase plenty in conversations outside of the NEZ. Basically, telling someone to BE BETTER is calling them out on being lazy or ignorant at something they’re supposed to do.
Some of you may know that most of us at the NEZ at big fans of hockey. Apparently, Gary Bettman is NOT a fan of hockey.
The dude is going for his third lockout. THIRD.
His one job is to keep hockey going. That’s all he has to do. Everything else is extra. And he’s working on his THIRD work stoppage.
He’s not just lazy or ignorant. He’s just terrible at what he does. Yet, he continues to be employed. Usually, that honor is only reserved for Virginia Tech assistant coaches.
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This Week in F You ESPN
We didn’t get have to watch much ESPN this week. So we don’t really have anything.
Oh, they still employ Rick Reilly?
F you, ESPN.
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Avid Reader Comment of the Week
With all the hate that goes on around this site, we’d like to talk about something that we love: Reader Comments.
Why do we love them? For many reasons:
1. We know that people other than our parents are reading.
2. We don’t have to come up with funny content on our own (always a bad idea)
3. The comments are usually funnier than anything we could think up.
This week, the always entertaining DougHed drop us two VERY different predictions:
I'm going with a 3-3 tie and they call the game on account of stupid in the 5th OT. I wish college ball just had ties still. And I don't want to watch tomorrow.
4 hours later…
It's a perfect day at Casa DougHed, and the whole family is walking to the game. I'll be down doing a hundred fiddy push ups with the cadets. I revise my prediction to 63-20. Hokies!
Nothing like some alcohol to help you make bad decisions. Like thinking the Hokies can possibly score 63 points.
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Hokie Motivator of the Week
Each week, the Carnegie Mellon Football Analyst submits his own Hokie Motivator.
This week, he has a final thought…
Man, Cincinnati is terrible.
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Gratuitous Tommy Boy Quote of the Week
Tommy: I l-left a message.
Richard: A message? What number did you call?
Tommy: Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
Richard: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
Tommy: No, it was cordless.
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Replacement Voldemort of the Week
Despite the fact that this game doesn’t ACTUALLY matter, we still really, really want to win.
And since this is our second neutral site matchup against Cincy in our last two meetings, we need someone that is also about to kick some ass in a sequel.
That’s right.
The man with the dumbest daughter in movie history…
Liam Neeson
Sure, his character has a name in the movie. But we don’t care.
Liam Neeson is always Liam Neeson.
And he’ll take this game for us.
LET’S GO HOKIES!!
