Pictured: Another record crowd for the Hurricanes.

With game 1 right around the corner, let’s take a few potshots at our former Big East rivals.

BC

Like most sports fans not from New England, I hate everything that has to do with Boston sports. I have nothing against the Bruins, but I was rooting HARD against them during the Stanley Cup finals. Why? Because I don’t want any Boston sports fan to be happy.

Does this also apply to Boston College fans? Well, it would, if they actually had any fans.

Their average attendance is right around 40,000. More people showed up to Little League World Series games. They’re so desperate, they’re offering a f*cking Groupon for tickets. 

I guess you can’t blame them. The team hasn’t done jack since that freaking Flutie play. You know, the one you used to like until ESPN showed it for billionth time. I’d wear a UVA shirt for a week if it meant I wouldn’t have to see that video again.

Oh, and speaking of not having fans…

Miami

H/T to avid reader DRR. I don't want to know what you typed into Google Images
 

This team has actually WON something before, and no one gives a shit. They average around 50,000 per game, which is even sadder than BC, really.

On top of that, NO ONE likes this team. Everyone is constantly rooting against them, and for good reason.

Have you met a reasonable, level-headed Miami fan? Not a chance.

They are likely a knuckle-dragging douchebag who says things like “Da U” and “Swagger”.

And every year is the year they come back. Thanks, ESPN. Maybe pick up a football almanac to find out that Miami SUCKS. Why in the hell does the ACC need Miami to be good? This argument makes zero sense to anyone with a 4^th grade education. The ACC needs good teams. It doesn’t matter if that team is from Florida or not. No one cares but you, Heather Dinich.

And this whole scandal thing? Ahhem…

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA…breathe…. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!

Seriously, eff these guys. Couldn’t have happened to a better team.

But, knowing the NCAA, the suspended players will be back by mid-September.

Let’s think this through for a second though. This has to be the lamest example of cheating ever. You paid Jacory Harris? REALLY? Were you that scared that he’d go somewhere else? That would be like us paying Stinespring to run the offe...... wait...

 

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There are some teams that deserve their own HateFest post. These teams definitely do not.

Duke

You knew it was coming.

This is the saddest football program ever. Have they just given up at this point?

Yeah, their basketball team is good, but does it even matter when the entire country hates you? It feels pretty good playing them, knowing that we have the backing of 99.9% of the American public. And the remaining 0.1% consists of a bunch of blue-blood douchebags that couldn’t tell their ass from a hole in the ground without asking their dad (or using his money).

Wake Forest

Seriously. There is nothing to say about Wake Forest. Nothing.

North Carolina

Yeah, they beat us two years ago on Thursday night. But that was our loss, not their win. Outside of that, we own them.

On top of that, they have like ten eligible players left. 

Even with mediocre expectations, the Tar Heels never fail to disappoint.

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It's wedding season, and you know what that means: Time to shell out a crap ton of money in exchange for night of free food, free drinks and the perception that you will get to go home with one of the hot, single bridesmaids.

Normally I would say that's not too bad of a deal (usually I am drunk when I say this), but then you get that “Save the Date” card in the mail. You are informed that Friend A is marrying Friend B in the lovely month of September, October, or November.

W.T.Fuck.

99% of all weddings are on a Saturday, and as any good person knows Saturdays in the above mentioned months are reserved solely for greatness, yes that's right, college football.

So now we are stuck at a ceremony that is going to take much longer than it needs to because the minister / pastor / priest /officiate or whoever it is you have paid to pronounce you man and wife is up there telling stories that they think are cute or funny but clearly aren't and definitely were not on the script at the rehearsal the day before but it is too late now they have a captive audience and not even the bride or groom dare ask him to pick up the pace even though the majority are thinking just that.

Those members of the captive audience are now looking around at each other wondering if it's ok to remove their cell phones from their pocket and check scores but they don't risk it because they know that one of the nosey Aunts will see and try and make a scene about it later at the reception but then that long winded minister says "let us bow our heads and pray" opening the window of opportunity.

When the ceremony finally wraps up, you scamper to the car and flip on the radio. Generally, you’ve just missed an amazing ending to a game, and you’re now cursing the newlyweds.

But you have hope. “Maybe there’s a tv somewhere in the reception hall,” you think to yourself. This, of course, is a retarded thought. No bride would EVER allow this, let alone the one you don’t even know who’s marrying your buddy.

So there you are. The sad man in the corner checking scores on his phone. At least you can drown your sorrows with some sweet, sweet alcoh…. DRY WEDDING?!?!?!

You’re dead to me, groom.

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Clemson Clemson Clemson. What are we to do with you? Are you good at football? Do you completely suck at football? It’s a question no one can answer. Like 911 times 2356.

Clemson's Biggest Fan

For some reason, the Clemson game always has big hype. This is likely due to the lack of decent teams in the conference. It’s certainly not due to recent history.

Tech has won the last 5 meetings, each by no less than 18 points. In other words, they are our bitches. 1989 was the last time the Tigers beat us, and the future isn’t looking so bright.

First of all, they were in the discussion to join the SEC. Know why? Because they aren’t that good. The SEC doesn’t want to take any teams that could upset the big boys at the top. (Since we dominate any new conference we join, Virginia Tech will never get an invite. Everyone knows it would be game over for the likes of Alabama and Auburn.)

Don’t forget their coach: Dabo Swinney. Seriously, stop laughing. That’s his name. No, he’s not a Marx brother, a Johnny Depp character, or a dinosaur. He’s a football coach. A very mediocre, 19-15 football coach. And Clemson has apparently tied themselves to him FOREVER.

Dabo also introduced the “Tiger Walk”. It’s this super unique tradition where the players walk from the buses to the locker room. Oh… you mean to say that EVERY TEAM IN THE COUNTRY does this? Well then…

And don’t even get me started on their little run down the hill. If getting down a hill doesn’t involve sleds and a ramp, I’m not interested.

Oh, did you know that Clemson won a national championship in 1981? If you’ve ever spoken to a Clemson fan for longer than 2 minutes, you should. Holding on to a single title won in the 80’s? Clemson is apparently the Chicago Bears of college football.

But in the end, no one really cares about the Tigers. They’ll have another lame, disappointing season, and we’ll smoke them by 20. Sunrise. Sunset. 

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Here it is. The HateFest we’ve all been waiting for.

The DC-area has the highest concentration of Hokies in the world. But even this awesome fact cannot make up for the pure torture of living there. The only question is where to start?

Escalator Walking

What is escalator walking, and why in the hell would you bring it up?

For those who don’t know, the rule on the Metro escalators is that if you are standing, you stand to the right. If you are walking up you stand to the left.

This may not seem like such a big deal, but to me, it defines the culture of the area.

People in this city think they are so f*cking important that they have to walk up a two story escalator on their way to work. That 30 seconds they save is really going to improve their productivity and make the world a much better place.

The best part is that they will SCREAM at anyone (mostly those from out of town) that is standing on the left. So not only are you too important to be chained down by the reasonably paced escalator, but you have to let others know that you had better get through immediately, or there will be hell to pay.

And do you know why those out-of-towners don’t know right away to stand to the left on the escalator? Because NO ONE ELSE IN THE COUNTRY DOES IT.

Have you been to another city where people walk up a device specifically designed to make you not have to walk? Of course not. That would be retarded.

No one in DC is as important as they think they are. It’s like dealing with 5 million Ronyell Whitaker’s.

People

Speaking of the population…

Does anyone else notice how everyone in town always seems pissed off?

This isn’t very surprising though. There aren’t too many places in DC that aren’t miserable. Grocery stores are packed. Bars are expensive. Traffic can eat your soul.

On top of that, DC is more transient than a New York City bus stop. People wonder why so many opposing fans go to Redskins games. Well, besides the fact that the Skins blow, 90% of the city’s population was born elsewhere. And not many people pick up the local team when they relocate. Especially when that team is owned by Dan Snyder.

The area is also overrun with hipsters and douchebags. I’m not quite sure how this is possible, but they seem to be united in the common goal of pissing me off. However, the internet doesn’t need another rant on how much these groups of camel excrement suck. I have no idea how people can be so self absorbed when their parents pay their rent.

And the ladies… well, just read about the Arlington Girl.

Traffic

In no other city have so many people actually considered ramming their car into a jersey barrier out of frustration.

Who designed these roads?? “Ok, so we have a big loop around the city. Good. Now, should we put any bridges across the river outside of this loop? Naaaaah.”

The nation’s capital has a river running through it, and there are 4 places to cross it.  Are you in Northern Virginia and need to get to Maryland? You can either take 495, or say “screw it” and stay home.

Metro

“But C Gally, you could just take the Metro. I take it once a week and it’s fine.”

Try taking it every day for work, asshole. It is the WORST. Take all those awful people I mentioned before and cram them together in a warm tube. Lovely.

But what I might hate even more are the people that don’t ride the Metro but like to comment on it.

A while back, a man passed away quietly on a train. No one noticed until the last stop of the day. There was OUTRAGE from the local media. How could this happen?? How could no one have noticed a man sitting there quietly??

The answer is that riding the Metro isn’t a f*cking amusement park ride. Everyone is listening to their iPod, reading the shitty free paper, and trying not to notice the awfulness around them. Any one that rides on a regular basis knows EXACTLY how someone could die and no one notice.

Because anyone riding the Metro is already dead inside themselves.

Climate

Can I get unbearably humid summers coupled with massive snowfalls in the winter? Oh, and can we be completely unprepared to handle these snowfalls? Great, I’m moving to DC!!

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Well, I’m exhausted. There are about 100 other things to hate on in DC (overpaying for everything, kickball leagues). But they will have wait until I’m drunker.


UPDATE

Also, earthquakes. Mild, non-threatening earthquakes.

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By now you've heard of the alleged violations at Da U (vom). This comes as a surprise to absolutely no one.

More importantly, it gives the NEZ a chance to roll out our first motivators of the season. Feel free to send us your own and we'll post the best ones all of them.



   

 

 

 

 And just because we can...

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Hate that's actually football-related?? No way!!

After the jump, we hate on our out-of-conference foes this season. It's as difficult as you can imagine...

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There are certain evils in the world. Things so unfathomable that they must have been born of Satan himself. One of these evils lurks in a device most of us use every day. I speak, of course, about the iPhone Autocorrect.

First off, it’s automatic. Eerily similar to most Apple users themselves, the iPhone assumes it is right and inserts the corrections for you. Should you not want the correction, you have to hit this miniscule little “x” to cancel it. Since no adults have hands small enough to be comfortable with a regular Nintendo controller, this can prove difficult. It’s like trying to hit dartboard bullseye with a basketball, only you are only allowed to hit ONLY the bullseye and nothing else. If you’re off my a few pixels, your original word is replaced.

Secondly, the suggestions. Sweet Jesus, who in the hell is programming this thing? Despite running a mildly successful, barely-read Virginia Tech blog, it may surprise you to know that I’m not very savvy with computers. But I would assume common sense prevails.

My biggest issue is with the word “the”. You know, THE MOST COMMONLY USED WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. However, type in “thr” and it is corrected to “thy.” Who in the f*ck is still using the word “thy” in their texts?!?! Thy art retarded, Autocorrect.

And God forbid you have a long proper noun to type in. My text goes from “Roethlisberger is throwing picks like he’s a white Hokie qb” to “Tortuous ether is throwing picks like he’s a white homie qb”. Tortuous ether. How are either of those two words used in every day language? And how are they ever used together??

Turning it off changed my life. Autocorrect is the dumbest person I have ever met. no comments

We love guest posts here at The North End Zone, mainly because it's less work for us and is generally an improvement over our writing anyways. So if you have anything you'd like to hate on, drop us a line at thenorthendzonesuggestions@gmail.com.

The CMU Football Analyst wanted a chance to vent about a subject we all hate: moving. Moving freaking sucks. And anyone under the age of 30 has likely moved at least once every other year. We all pack up our worthless shit and wonder why we don't throw more of it away. Then we continue to not throw it away. My advice? Watch an episode of Hoarders for 8 minutes. You will light everything you own on fire to get rid of it.

Anyways, I will let the Analyst hate on...

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Here's my contribution to Hatefest 2011, edited to PG-13:

I recently moved to the suburbs. Moving blows. On the list of horrible, normal life tasks such as grocery shopping, working, paying bills, going to the dentist, etc. Moving has to be near the top of that list. I can hear you saying, "well if you hate moving so much, why don't you stay put?" I would have gladly re-upped on our lease had it not been for a ridiculous raise in rent. ($400/month!) Jerks. I really liked living near stuff too.

So we moved. And of course it so happened to be on the hottest weekend of the year. (105 degree windchill!)

Here is a quick rundown of the crappy tasks involved with moving in no particular order:
- Finding boxes to pack your crap
- Packing your crap
- Cleaning your place so you can hopefully get a fraction of your security deposit back
- Convincing friends to give up a Saturday to help you move your crap (Note: those of you with pickup trucks are basically telling everyone that you are willing and able to move everyone you know) [Editor's note: f*** you]
- Changing your address on everything
- Renting a truck or finding a moving company (for you rich jerks)
- The physical task of actually moving
- Shelling out a lot of money to watch dudes break your stuff and then move it (for you rich jerks)
- Unpacking your crap at your new place
- Wait for cable guy for 6 hours to do a task that takes about 10 minutes

If I missed anything, please add in the comments.

I waited too long to reserve a Uhaul and they were all booked for our moving date, so we ended up hiring a moving company. We didn't have much stuff to move. We moved from a 2 bedroom apartment and we took most of the little stuff that could fit in our cars over the weekend before. (It was hot then too)

The jerks were 2 hours late and sent their B team. The one guy admitted that it was his second day on the job. I expected it to take at most 3 hours and it ended up being nearly 5 partly because they drove about 45 mile per hour on the interstate from the old place to the new place. Now, I understand that they get paid by the hour, but at least show a little effort and don't make it completely obvious that you are milking every minute of it.

Sorry for the long screed but I have moved 5 times over the past 4 years and I absolutely hate it. You would think that I would avoid it, right?
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Being an adult is time consuming. But being an adult with an internship is like a free-time vacuum.

But presentations are over. The summer is wrapping up. And we’re less than a month away from kickoff. You know what that means…

WELCOME TO HATEFEST 2011!!!

There is absolutely no theme to HateFest this year. You can bet we’ll revisit our past favorites (we’re looking at you, Central Michigan).

Along with every team on our schedule, here’s a few of the topics I will personally be hating on this year (I can’t speak for D_w or The Northerner, who we’re still hoping is out there somewhere):

Wearing ties

The Bachelorette

Being too old to know people to stay with in Blacksburg

Unoriginal bar trivia team names

The Ravens

WVU (of course)

Lotus Notes

Whales

The Capitals

Iphone’s Auto-correct

Houston-area Taco Bells

Houston-area heat

Houston-area drivers

Houston area

Darden MBAs

Beer snobs

The water level on TMNT for original NES

Boise State

Hipster bars

Feel free to let us know what you would like to see ranted on. Or rant on it yourself. We post pretty much everything we get from our dozen of fans. no comments